molls...she wrote

a fucking list

nobody@vox.com(molls) — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 15:49:38 -0700

1) My mom left at 5 AM yesterday. It was sad. I had a lot of fun with her and I want her to come back already.

2) Linds was on Ryan Seacrest. Whenever she's on this show, I have to listen to the interview. To hear her speak... It blows my mind.

3) I am done with the first draft of my pilot. Oh, by the way? I forgot to mention, I think... I'm writing a pilot? I wrote a pilot.

4) I took this photo outside of Amoeba the other day:

Jerrys

5) I'm blocking people on Facebook. That's where I'm at with the internet right now. If I don't want to know you, you don't get to know about me. Unless you read this blog. Or Defamer. Or the other two blogs I keep.

6) Swinger's got new menus. I miss the old ones. Here's a new one being modeled by Alexis Hyde:

DSC07946

7) In Beverly Hills today, I turned to Alexis and said "I can't believe this is someone's version of LA" and then I snapped this picture:

DSC07957

8) I've been really negative so far. I don't want to be, that's not how I mean to come across. Here's a cute puppy to make up for it:

Wagandstuff Eats a Sprinkles Cupcake

9) I am going to a hat party tonight. Everyone has to wear hats. I decided to tie a scarf around my head Tupac-style. That's a hat, kind of.

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sunday snax

nobody@vox.com(molls) — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 09:32:44 -0700

donut

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the son

nobody@vox.com(molls) — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 18:41:58 -0700

handsomest

Wagandstuff Superfans Lorraine and Mindy have been requesting more Wagandstuff. I found this photo on my computer this week and I'm obsessed with it. I hope you ladies are, too.

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intuition

nobody@vox.com(molls) — Sun, 25 May 2008 05:22:37 -0700

As I was getting out of Ed's car tonight, I looked at him and said "I really hope I don't get raped tonight". I would say something like that, for the record, even had I not just driven down Skid Row or found out today that perhaps random people in my neighborhood have the master key to my laundry unit, garage and building's front gate. But honestly, I just knew that something like this was going to happen tonight. I just had this pit in my stomach, all the way up until I passed out in bed.

At 4 am, I woke up to what sounded like someone repeatedly banging my door with a large block of wood. One of my friends was recently held at gunpoint in front of his home in the much safer Los Feliz area, so I wasn't fucking around. I located my cell phone and called 911. I was originally asking them just to do a drive-by, make sure that there wasn't a rapist hanging out in my building... then the banging started again, only this time it was harder and faster. I told them just to come out.

No more than 10 minutes later, there were five officers at my door. I started crying immediately when I saw them. I explained the situation, apologized if I was wasting their time and asked them just to keep an eye on things for me. They thought it was hilarious that Wagandstuff was in attack mode. I thought he was going to bite them. They kept saying "You've trained him so well"... To hate men? Sure. To grow six feet and become a human man with gigantic muscles? No. He has no idea how to do that and that would be a lot more useful to me.

I'm going to wait until the sun comes out and go back to bed. Since I can already hear the birds waking up, I know that that's probably not too far away... but I'm freaked out and exhausted. I'm hoping that the landlord and building manager can help me in the morning with new locks or something. I feel like I need another form of security than this old bolt lock and a cheap door.

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thankful for life and the long weekend

nobody@vox.com(molls) — Fri, 23 May 2008 22:16:47 -0700

This has been one of the most physically and emotionally exhausting weeks of my life and I am so glad it's over, but I also never ever want to forget the way I'm feeling now-- thrilled, excited, anxious, full of passion for what I do. A year ago I don't think I could have been further from being where I wanted to be, and now I feel like I'm one huge step closer to my dreams.

I usually refuse to stop and acknowledge my accomplishments because if you stop too long, sometimes you wind up staying there... but right now there's nothing I can do but be kind of pumped to be Molly McAleer.

I'm going to take a moment tonight to eat Mexican food with a girlfriend, pop a Xanax, watch Juno finally (I know, I know, it's supposed to suck... but I gotta find out what this Diablo Cody chick people are comparing me to made. I feel totally out of the loop.) I'm going to start some of my new books, I'm totally going to drink Diet Cokes and smoke cigarettes in bed with my dog.

Tomorrow I'm hosting my practice team, shopping with Kendall and Hyde. Going out with Ed at night...

Other than two quick shoots on Monday, the rest of the weekend is mine to roll around in bed and sing Stevie Wonder songs to Wagandstuff.

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this is officially a "crazy dog lady" blog now, kinda storta

nobody@vox.com(molls) — Thu, 22 May 2008 09:16:02 -0700

So everyone who knows me knows that I am a complete mess in the morning or any time I'm waking up. I can't control it, I really can't. I'm not conscious, I don't realize that I'm swearing at everyone and being mean. I've woken up to people not speaking to me because of things I've said in the early stages of waking up and have no memory of. This only really happens when someone has the balls to touch me or try and wake me up... if I am able to wake up on my own with no interruptions, my exit from Dream Land is a lot more graceful.

If you don't understand what I'm talking about, let's break it down: I've punched my own beloved mother for touching me while I'm sleeping. I've told so many people to "fuck off" in my sleep that I've lost count. My go-to is "I fucking hate you. Get out of my life." Do you want to know how many people I've said that to? So would I. I honestly have no recollection of doing any of this most of the time, and in the moment there is absolutely no way to stop me. I wish more than anything there was someone in my life who understood that if they touch me or try and kiss my face when I'm passed out I will cut them. That's the key to having any sort of decent relationship with me. Just let me fucking sleep.

Wagandstuff totally gets it, actually... that's where I originally meant to go with all of this. In the mornings, he leaves me alone until I start moving around, and then once I've made some noises and my eyes open up, he lays on his back next to my face and tries to do some French kisses with me. This morning he actually just wrapped himself around the top of my head and licked my nose repeatedly. When he gets going with the French kisses, it's like he can't stop. He's totally the very best boyfriend I've ever had. He really gets me.

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when i'm not at your momma's house scratching my balls and eating yogurt...

nobody@vox.com(molls) — Wed, 21 May 2008 13:15:44 -0700

snugs party

Wagandstuff's face in this picture cracks me up. Like, what the fuck, Wagandstuff? Where'd you get that face? Where did you find that handsome face? What did you pay for it? Sorry if that's rude. Do you mind if I ask? How much was it? Whatever you paid, it was a steal. Seriously. You practically stole that face at any price.

I look like I have Downs Syndrome in this picture. What is my hand doing? He sleeps on top of me. I should be more beautiful through osmosis because of that.

Whatever.

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my apologies

nobody@vox.com(molls) — Mon, 19 May 2008 01:05:45 -0700

I should start by saying that I never thought I'd be the kind of person to apologize for not posting in their blog enough ("PARDON ME, BUT I'VE LEFT THE HOUSE TO GO GET A FUCKING LIFE"), but I do feel that I have been seriously neglecting this whole blogging thing these days. It's important to me that everyone know my every move because I am a self-obsessed famewhore, so I'm going to make a better effort to update more during the day.

I have some big things going on in my life right now (all of which I am hesitant to discuss, so use your imagination based off of these two hints: 1) rubber dog nipples, 2) lavender scented bubble bath), but I've decided I will share with you the recent additions to the infamous "Awesome Things That Molly McAleer Loves List"

1) Beverly Hills 90210 - I wouldn't be surprised if the return of this series has anything to do with my recent obsession with the original, seeing as I am the hub of the Cool Universe. I definitely loved this show as a child (Fun Fact: I learned about rape from 90210 and for many years, thought rape and sex were the exact same thing. This will probably disturb my mother more than anyone else who reads this) but since July I have been all up in it again, devouring the DVD sets like pickled moose fetuses. (Additional Fun Fact: An ex of mine called me as I was writing this and asked what I was doing. When I told him I was watching 90210, he did the whole "OK, I'm going to hang up now" bit. Classic bit. Totally classic. I love men. So. Much.)

2) Lying About a Medical Disorder to Get Your Dog Into the Supermarket - The other day I went into Ralph's to get an iced coffee, and since I was walking Wags at the time, I knew that if I wanted to get him in I'd have to hold him in my arms and act as quickly as possible to get in and out without being asked to leave or tie him up outside (to me this is like tying an 8 month old baby to a leash wrapped around a bike rack. You'd have to be insane to do this, especially if your dog is of Top Model status the way Wagandstuff is.) So, I cradle him in my arms and walk directly to the Coffee Bean section and ordered my iceroonie. Just as I was putting milk in my drink and about to leave, a manager walked up to me and asked me if Wagandstuff is a service dog. I remembered that my friend Jim told me that legally, if you say you have a service dog, no one-- a store manager, the police, ANYONE-- is allowed to ask you what your condition is. I looked him dead in the eye and said "Yes he is. I have had service dogs my entire life" and then he put up his hands as if to apologize and walked away. Hey, System? I've fucking beaten you. I've beaten you so badly that no amount of make up is going to keep your co-workers from worrying about you and your home situation. WIN: MOLLS.

this is his commercial pose

3) The Echoplex - I've been a fan of this venue for awhile, but this week I'm going to see two of my favorite new bands, The French Kicks and M83 there (if you see me at either show, please come say hi. I'll be handing out free fist pounds). Parking is easy to find, the drinks aren't too expensive, the smoking section is huge and the atmosphere is usually very friendly. Also, it's near the Brite Spot, so you can totally have late night munchies served to you by 80 year old women who somehow manage to hustle all night long. I expect to be dead by 45 from exhaustion, so this is an extremely impressive thing for me to witness. And I love waffles.

OK, I'm off to bed now to go dream about looking at myself in the mirror.

I LOVE YOU.

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this came out of my vagina

nobody@vox.com(molls) — Wed, 14 May 2008 12:28:22 -0700

his paws looks like infant hands.

Also, Kendall and I answered a question from our main internet bitch, saraliz:

Kendall & Molls: On Pubes

That's the most you will ever hear me say on this topic, BTW.

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two things

nobody@vox.com(molls) — Tue, 13 May 2008 13:09:47 -0700

1) I am pretty awesome at taking photographs

2) I have a beautiful son

i will eat your face

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