16 posts tagged “sunday”
Today Ed and I met an elderly woman named Thelma Bell.
She was standing outside of the Ralph's on Wilshire and Western and as we were pulling into the lot Ed said "It's hot out, we should give her a ride." I thought about it for a moment and I was torn-- I grew up having an abnormally special relationship with my grandmother and I have always had a spot in my heart for the elderly that's like, super soft. Even as someone who often gets asked to make jokes, there are two things I won't joke about because the subjects are too sensitive to me: homeless people and the elderly. I don't do "old people are gross/lame/smelly/stupid/out of it" jokes. That's not funny to me. In my personal opinion, the elderly are our most prized citizens and it is a shame that they aren't treated like that more often.
Still, I felt nervous at first and told Ed that we should let her be. I didn't want to insult her or have her think we're robbing her or anything. A few years ago I wouldn't have thought twice about walking up to her and striking up a conversation, but LA has made me more weary of others than I've ever been. I'm thinking that this is something I need to actively try and change about myself. I'd like to get that personable and friendly nature back. ANYWAY, Ed insisted we say something.
Within a minute or so of talking to us, she told us that her name was Thelma Bell and she will be turning 100 years old in August. She's lived in Koreatown for over 48 years in the same apartment. She's from West Virginia and she has a son. Her grandson stole her gold teeth that were worth four thousand dollars.
She refused a ride but let us walk her home. We walked arm and arm while I carried home her groceries and Ed and I basically just let her talk to us. She didn't come across terribly lonely, but that that's "Greatest Generation" bullshit that my grandparents did. All people that age never let on to how bad things really are-- they were raised to put up and shut up. Thinking about that as I type this, I can't help but wonder that if when we are elderly, they will call us the Most Annoying Generation or The Self-Obsessed Generation. I can't imagine anyone I know ever quietly accepting that their friends are all dead and they live thousands of miles away from their only living relatives. I can't even shut up about the fact that my cellphone is broken.
When we got to her apartment, we walked her upstairs and gave her hugs. We promised to take her to lunch sometime and take her for a big grocery order where she could get all the food she wanted and not just what she could carry. I really hope that we follow through on it. Cliche as it sounds, talking to her today and walking her four blocks to her home gave me a lot more than it gave her.
This weekend felt long, but in a good way. I woke up early Saturday and Sunday to pack in as much as possible, and luckily there's a few things crossed off my list for this week.
Friday night I got margaritas with Matt and Lindy and we worked on our show while I got very drunk very quickly. I didn't even mean to get drunk, but when I was exactly two margaritas deep I started getting giggly and kind of sloppy. Casey Wilson talked about what happens after two "margaroos" on her Funny or Die blog and Matty and Lindy were two of the friends mentioned in her story. They have passed down to me the true power of margaroos... Seriously, don't have that third 'roo. By the time I got home at 9, I was completely plastered. I was passed out by 10.
Saturday morning I woke up to film a sketch for Channel 101 with Kendall. We did bit parts for my friend Jim's sketch series "Making Mistakes". After that we came back to my house and filled up a couple hours with hula hooping, fetch with Wagandstuff and filming. Kendall and I did a Steve Aoki/Cory Kennedy bit for the Monday To Do List. Granted, they are both kind of obscure for the mainstream population, but I hope it is funny to people who don't even know who they are. After that I had improv followed by a night out on the town.
This morning I started the day with the news that I had been selected to perform in Worst Laid Plans this coming Friday at UCB. I am SO excited to be doing the show and although I normally would blush at the subject matter (I can be surprisingly prudish about certain types of sex talk. It's the former Catholic in me...), I've seen this show before and laughed the whole way through. Obviously I would want to be a part of that. I also started my new improv class today. The class actually started last week, but I had to miss it due to the MTV Movie Awards. My class is HUGE but I'm pretty blown away by how talented everyone is, the ladies in particular. Ever since I got back I've been catching up with phone calls and making videos for the week...
Now I'm going to go pass out and do the whole "work week" thing all over again...
Have any of you ever spent the remainder of your Sunday night coaxing a chihuahua into vomiting up old birth control? Oh, OK. Allow me to fill you in.
First of all, I don't know how he got the pills. I can assume he did something really sneaky/interesting to find them because not even I knew I was still in possession of them. In fact, I assumed when I heard the jingle jangle of pills that he had actually gotten into a package of Tic Tacs. Then I realized I hadn't bought Tic Tacs in forever, and I ate the ones my mom sent me in one sitting. Like candy. So then it hits me that he must have some left over flu meds he snuck out of my bedside table, so I dash under the bed and find him chomping not on Tylenol, but a little round pill packet with four different colored pills inside. Fuck, right?
I didn't even know I still had them. It could have been worse, but I didn't want to run the risk of my dog dying and/or growing lady breasts, so I grabbed the hydrogen peroxide, gave him half a teaspoon and bounced him around on my hip for ten minutes. Then he puked. He ate more for dinner than I thought he did, that's for sure. He also doesn't chew as much as I imagined.
He's fine now. He's already danced around and wagged his tail and now he's passed out at my feet... but I keep poking him every few minutes to make sure he's still alive.
[Note: I hope you know that I am so paranoid that I almost considered not writing this post because now everyone now knows I'm not on birth control. If some sicko internet perv wants a love child with me, they now know their chances are that much more greatly increased if they rape me (which would be totally futile cause AS IF I'm having my rapist's baby). Listen: I hope you know, Sicko Internet Pervs, that I'm on to your game and since I've already written about this on my blog, the police are going to know where to start looking first. An IP address isn't hard to find. You've been warned.]
I even hate the word meme, so I'm shocked I'm filling this out, but here goes...
1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
Not even a not serious relationship. Totally single.
2) What was your dream growing up?
I wanted to be a comedic actress or a writer.
3) What talent do you wish you had?
Any scrap of musical ability, but especially drums or singing.
4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
Cranberry and vodka
5) Favorite vegetable?
carrots, green beans, spinach
6) What was the last book you read?
Oh God, this is slightly embarrassing, but... Celebrity Detox by Rosie O'Donnell.
7) What zodiac sign are you?
Capricorn
8) Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where.
No tattoos, but both my ears have one hole and I used to have my belly button and nose pierced.
9) Worst habit?
Smoking or not cleaning up after myself.
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
If I know you, for sure. Probably not if I don't. Actually, almost definitely not.
11) What is your favorite sport?
I'm terrible at almost all sports because I have little/no control over my limbs, but I am super competitive. I am actually pretty decent at badminton. I guess poker counts too, right? 'Cause it's on ESPN? I guess I'd say poker.
12) Do you have a pessimistic or optimistic attitude?
My immediate response when I read this question was "Jesus fucking Christ. What a bullshit question.", so I guess you can draw your answer from that.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
OMG! Being stuck in an elevator is my biggest nightmare because I SO would piss myself. I have to pee ALL THE TIME and there's really no way that I would be stuck in an elevator and not piss myself at least once. I am so concerned that will happen to me.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
That's really hard to say. I can't pick just one thing, but at the same time, going through it all in my head, there is nothing that stands out as THE WORST and I guess I'm thankful for that.
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
I have never eaten a Twinkie.
16) Do you have any pets?
A chihuahua named Wagandstuff
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
I'd welcome you in. Unless you were that dude who showed up at my door with a black eye at 5 AM once. Then I'd be all "I thought I made it clear that you are to call me before you ever come here again" and slam the door in your dumb face.
18) What do you notice about someone when you first meet them?
Their clothes first. Mainly because there are more clothes than skin on a person, I dunno. Then whether or not I think they are being receptive to me.
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
I'm one of those people who finds them to be scary and weird.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
Maybe I'd have a longer torso or a different nose. I'm not crazy about my nose.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
Crime partner, for sure.
22) What color eyes do you have?
Blue.
23) Ever been arrested?
Nope.
24) Bottle or can soda?
Bottle so I can put it in my purse, but I think fountain soda is the best.
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
Pay off my debt, buy a bright yellow Vespa.
27) What's your favorite place to hang at?
UCB or my bed. In terms of bars, The Prince.
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
Not really. I can't deny their existence fully, though.
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
See comedy shows, sleep, read, lay on the beach.
30) Do you swear a lot?
All the fucking time.
31) Biggest pet peeve?
Being inconsiderate about other people's time. I don't care if you can't make it, I don't care if your late, but if you don't call me and tell me what the deal is, I will fucking cut you. Don't waste my time. There's too much to be done to just sit around and wait.
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
Layered.
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
Yes.
35) Do you believe in God?
No.
My old man friend Eric and I like to go to brunch on Sundays. We usually go under the guise of doing something productive, like "talking about ideas", but we usually just wind up talking about the last people we hooked up with and how awkward our lives are.
This morning we went to Cheebo. While I was in the bathroom, Eric saw one of the customers pull a waitress around the corner and then when they came back a moment later he said "Never, ever tell anyone about what just happened." and he slapped her ass toward the door. Bananas!
This morning I woke up drunk and ate an orange in bed. Then I started getting really sick and proceeded to vomit for about four hours, on and off.
I'm chill now, don't worry. Wagandstuff gets the cutest look on his face when I barf. He's all "HEY MOM! DON'T THROW THAT GOOD STUFF IN THE TOILET! I'LL EAT IT!"
I went to Vera's for a birthday lunch. She made a TON of food, all really healthy and delicious because that's how she rolls. It was me in a room of about 8 other women for upwards of four hours. That happens... never. It's not that I don't like women, which is something I may have mistakenly said in the past when I didn't have the right words for it. I've come to realize it's not that I dislike other women, it's that I am bad at them. Bad at them the way I was at jumping the hurdles in gym class-- I would run toward it, but as soon as I'd get there, I would completely fall apart. I was afraid of tripping on it and falling. I'm not leading up to some sort of metaphor, I'm just sharing. I guess maybe there could be a metaphor there, because it really is more of a fear than anything. I just feel like I have to play my cards right all the time with other women... don't seem neurotic, look good, keep interested and alert during conversation... so like, pretty much don't be me. That's a lot of pressure. It's bullshit insecurity and I'm writing about it on the internet. How self-indulgent! This is ice cream for narcissists, this blogging stuff!
But yeah, lunch was great. I really enjoyed everyone there. It makes sense that Vera has excellent taste in people. I got her a Chia Pet and some stickers shaped like fish.
I wanted to go to UCB tonight, but I had to pass because I needed to go home and start getting my life together. My weekends have been seeming SO much longer with the increase of my work schedule-- hours and minutes have started meaning much more, yet I still feel totally unproductive during that two day span every week. I should totally work on that.
