4 posts tagged “questions”
My duvet cover is in the dryer. I just took three Tylenol PM because I have a lot of sad feelings to try and sleep off. I don't want to get it now because I will undoubtedly run in to the gang members I can hear whisting at each other outside my window. I need to sleep, but my wonderful chocolate brown and powder blue duvet with suede details that I bought with what turned out to be my second-to-last check from Gawker ever might totally get stolen out of the dryer by the time I've woken from this OTC-induced coma.
What am I supposed to do? Why is my life so hard in a way that it sounds miserable and petty to complain about? Why does doing laundry emotionally drain me? What is the greater significance?
I bet you 100 bucks I'm getting my period within a week and I forgot. 100 dollars, internet. I'll be setting up a PayPal.
Let's say you took half a Xanax around 5 yesterday and then forgot about it because you were working and you're generally forgetful about such things.
Then let's say you didn't really eat all day because you were at the beach and working and it didn't particularly come to mind until late night that you were kind of starving.
Then like, perhaps you went to go hang out with this dude you used to date who you still hang out with sometimes and to whom you feel this weird attachment because you make each other LOL a shitload and he occasionally ignores you, which is your weakspot in this hypothetical situation.
Then pretend that you sat around for a couple hours watching The Best of Will Farrell SNL DVD and drinking beers and it was going pretty fucking well.
So then maybe his roommate comes home and he's eating a hamburger at the dinner table and it's around that time you realize that you're not buzzed, you're not tipsy, you're practically Puketown wasted.
Then you smoke a bunch of cigarettes and pound another beer, 'cause when you're too drunk the only solution seems to be to just keep drinking.
Then for some reason, you start mouthing off a whole bunch. Not that you aren't usually a back-talking, smartass, know-it-all (and you are!), but like, just basically being particularly venomous for no reason other than you're blackout drunk and kind of in a weird place in your life.
Then the blackout that you kind of knew was coming sets in and you don't really remember anything happening for the rest of the night other than the roommate with the hamburger telling you to be quiet when he was watching Cloverfield. Using logic you are able to piece together that whatever was happening up until that point involves you talking. Probably very loudly. About God know what. You kind of remember saying something along the lines of "Fuck Michael Phelps" at one point, but that might be just because you've been saying that a lot lately. Saying "Fuck Michael Phelps" is kind of your new bit. Because he's an American Hero or whatever. Anyway, this is hilarious to you but no one else almost all of the time, so it probably didn't go over too huge when you were blasted on a Sunday night with an old flame and his roommate who just wants to watch an impossible J.J. Abrams movie.
Sooooo. If all of that happened, what do you think the odds are that you're a good person without any sort of substance abuse problem?
Strictly a hypothetical.
Ed and I have a running joke about taking poppers and I have to ask-- has anyone who reads this blog done them? Does it basically turn you in to a loose-assed horndog or are there positive side-effects if you aren't looking to get anally rammed by a woman named Gary?
Any comments left or emails sent on this matter would be greatly appreciated.
