6 posts tagged “open letter”
Dear Monday,
I'm breaking up with you.
I left your key inside the wooden clogs in the mudroom.
Please have all your stuff out by midnight tonight.
Love,
Molls
Ryan,
I meant to make you a mix CD of songs I would like to recommend for the show CD, so I'm posting all the songs I'd think you like here.
Please use one of them, but that's all I'll hold you to.
Love,
Auntie Molls
Dear Person at Cornell Who Reads My Blog,
Here's a list of things I have to say to you:
1) I can see you on my Site Meter.
2) I can tell that you read my blog a lot and check many pages per visit.
3) You should be far too intelligent to have any interest in anything I'm saying here.
4) That being said, I know you come here to mock my stupidity, so screw you. Go get your giggles elsewhere.
Love,
Molls
P.S. Email me?
Hey Bill,
Well, I'm sure you're as familiar with me as I am with you, so introductions aren't necessary. Still, you're probably wondering why I'm writing to you. What could I possibly have to say? Well, Bill Hader... I'm writing to tell you that I think you may be my future ex-husband.
Here, look at this picture of you:
You've probably heard this before, but you look kinda like Michael J. Fox in his McFly years. Anyone who knows me (which I'm sure you do, loosely) knows that that Michael J. is my most favorite Michael J. and my number one crush of all time. So really, you have to understand that by waking up every day with that face, you have put yourself in this position. Fuck the fact that you're funny. Funny is a dime a dozen in this town. I'm looking for a man with the face of an angel.
So, good news: you've won my heart. Now what are we going to do about it? I'm thinking for our first "date" (really just an activity to keep us busy until it's socially appropriate for us to get married), we take apart VCRs and use the parts to build a robot/snow cone machine. Fun, right?
Call me!
molls
One of my favorite websites to read from an outsider's perspective is Hipster Runoff. I have no Hipster Credibility, I know that. Refusing to match my brightly colored clothes doesn't make me a hipster. Not showering or brushing my hair doesn't make me a hipster. The fact that I usually show up to work on time definitely contributes to the fact that I am not a hipster... BUT! I honestly do enjoy what they do, those stylish kids with their crazy nose drugs.
I think only one other thing on the site has moved me to post it before, their New Year's message. Otherwise, I'm hesitant to comment on what they do because I'm afraid I will reread this blog in five years and hate myself for one reason or another, but most likely because I'd either feel too harsh or hypocritical... but this I can post because it's fucking awesome.
Today, as a duel installment in their "WHERE DA PARTY AT?" and "MYSPACER WORTH BLOGGING ABOUT" series, they posted the video of this young dude Corey, who threw one of the biggest house parties Australia as ever seen.
Watch the video and then read my open letter to him below:
You are fucking awesome. I love your glasses and I think you made the right decision to keep them on. Screw those guys, right? If they can't handle your glasses, then they can't handle you. And if they can't handle a little automobile destruction and a twenty thousand dollar (18,017.26 USD) fine, then they can find a new neighborhood. Why? (As if I have to tell you!) Because that's where you live, Corey. And all you're trying to do is party and what's more chill than partying?
Also, I must commend your bold decision to ignore your parents who are probably terrified that the home that they have worked their whole lives to afford has been destroyed. I'm sure they are worried about you, but not as worried as you are for yourself, so that's good. Hey, as far as I see it, this is your vacation from them. You're sixteen, Cores?!? Take it from someone who recently turned twenty-four and just worked a thirteen hour workday: of all the years of all my life, sixteen was by far the most difficult. I had homework, like, everyday and I even had to figure out what to wear to my Confirmation. Do what you need to do to get by, man. Anything that makes it easier to just be you.
Keep it positive in '08!
Love,
Molls
Dear Picket Fences Season 1 Disc Six,
Do not even act like you're scratched. Do. Not. Even.
You are probably the only Picket Fences Season 1 Disc Six that has ever left its protective cellophane that it was wrapped in at the DVD factory, so you have an obligation to work.
Additionally, you potentially hold the best episode of Picket Fences ever: the one where the little girl brings a severed penis to school in a jar. If you continue to behave like this, I will never know for sure.
This is non-negotiable.
Your immediate cooperation is appreciated.
Thank you,
Molls
