I've noticed an emerging trend in men's t-shirts lately, and that is that most of them seem to have been sprayed with some sort of douche sauce.
I've taken the liberty of finding some particularly offensive shirts and breaking down what the fuck their problem is. See if you agree...
Douche Level: 6.5
Why? "Alternatively designed" logo-tees are still logo-tees, except they are trying too hard. Also? Congratulations on totally giving up.
Who would wear it: A 19 year old dude who wants to give up his old football team t-shirts in exchange for a new, mature look that will surely impress his frat brothers when he returns from Christmas break!
Douche Level: 8
Why? It's a faux artsy take on a t-shirt standard that's dull and embarrassingly not punk in any way.
Who would wear it: Hipster poseurs who maintain their cool by listening to mainstream "indie" music, have a goatee and love to whine about not having a girlfriend when they chronically go after girls who are way out of their league. Also, he's probably short and has a chain wallet or a studded necklace and is into some sort of fantasy or magic.
Douche Level: 9.5
Why? It has fake dirt on it, it probably costs over 40 dollars retail and it has a brand-name written on it baseball style.
Who would wear it: Someone who claims to be sporty and down to earth but majored in finance at a second-tier college and uses hair gel he bought at a salon frequented by women. This shirt would be his ideal beach look paired with board shorts and Abercrombie flip flops.
Douche Level: 7
Why? Would be higher, but the person wearing this shirt is generally discreditable and therefore harmless. Douche points for ringer-style shirt and unhip reference to a fairly awesome movie.
Who would wear it: The adult version of that kid in your third-grade class who called out all the time, was generally obnoxious and had allergies. They wouldn't be half as bad if their parents weren't constantly reinforcing the idea that they were hilarious and special.
Douche Level: 9.5
Why? Fantastical creature graphics, misuse of the word "couture" and placement of graphics.
Who would wear it: Big-city-in-a-small state club dude. His girlfriend bought this for him when she went to Los Angeles on her summer vacation the previous year. He has no idea who designed it but it looks expensive, like it's from Armani Exchange or something. He's lifted specifically to ensure that his pecks look dope in this shirt. With a pair of Sevens for men and a silver chain, this is the perfect look for a casual night out.
Douche Level: Off the fucking charts.
Why? Weathered looking layered images in multiple shades of blue. Not even being a European tourist is an excuse to wear something that looks like this.
Who would wear it: A man desperately trying to look metro but deeply unaware. The kind of guy that thinks wearing a shirt this totally gay is redeemable because the images appear to be numbers and car parts, which are totally straight dude things, ya know? 'Cause he loves pussy. Whatever.
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