9 posts tagged “i couldn't agree less”
William Diamond. For real.
I went and ate a bunch of chicken with Ed tonight and I was really exhausted from eating so much celebration food that I came home and spaced out in front of episodes of Picket Fences on my computer and tried to decompress. I don't know if this point has been brought up or not, and I'm sure it probably has by this late hour, but I feel like I gotta say something:
It appears that the ban on gay marriage is going to get passed, as well as Prop 2, which as Spiegs put it is basically asking that we give chickens "more legroom".
What this tells me, California, is that you value the life of a chicken that was bred for your consumption more than you do about equal rights for your fellow man. Uh, hey guys? That's fucking retarded.
No, I mean. I get it. Animals are cute. When you were voting to pass Prop 2, you were thinking "Oh, yeah. Well, I like animals. Sure!" But it's about more than that, as is banning gay marriage. Voting no on the ban was not about letting the homos catch up to you and possibly beat you in the race of life, you fucking bigots. It was about preventing permanent restrictions on our rights. If you can't look outside of yourself to find a reason to care, think about a right that you have been afforded as a citizen of this country being taken away from you because you are a part of any marginalized group. If that's the kinda thing we're into, then I want to ban all James Francos from boning any not mes.
Anyway, people are fucking idiots, but it's OK. We have a black president, I have Sour Patch Kids.
I just think it's a shame that man who can create such a solid jam can have such a hard time. His jamitude should exempt him from jail.
Today I went into the kitchen to grab a spoon to eat my yogurt with.
I rarely use my kitchen or any of the appliances, although I do have a lot of stuff from when I first moved out here and attempted to be domestic with my ex-boyfriend. I actually came home from work and made things like chicken parmigiana and random pasta dishes I invented every night single night. Some Sundays I would stay in all day and cook food for the week and save it neatly in tupperware containers that I had labeled with its contents and the date so we could easily reheat them when I was too tired to cook. I'm sure you all think I'm lying because it's the opposite of pretty much everything I've set you up to expect from me, but trust me... there was really a time in my life where I cooked for a man seven days a week and then did the dishes after... and honestly? I didn't mind it because I loved him. Needless to say, pretty much all of the cooking utensils I acquired over that time are now just sleeping in kitchen drawers and will stay there until I move again and pack them into boxes in preparation for them to live in new drawers where they'll never be touched. It's all just shit I gotta move around now.
So, I'm looking in the drawer to the left of my sink where I keep all the utensils, corkscrews, and other small shit of that nature and I noticed that I keep seeing the same vegetable peeler over and over again. So I take it out of the drawer and put it on the counter so I can continue on my hunt without tripping over it again. Then I realize that the reason why I kept seeing the vegetable peeler is that I own THREE of them.
I own THREE vegetable peelers. I don't ever remember a time where I was peeling vegetables while I've lived here. Even when I was playing Julia Child for the ex, I still dumped a bag of mini carrots in the steamer. Maybe for mashed potatoes on a couple occasions-- maybe that's why I had one of them... but three? I am borderline fully confident that most of my friends don't even own one vegetable peeler, let alone three of them that are wasting their lives away inside of a drawer.
This is why I hate Americans. Like, who the fuck is running around with three vegetable peelers in their possession and doesn't even know it? I feel like I have to donate them somewhere now because I feel so guilty. It's not that they're expensive or that important, but how can I have multiples of something completely unbeknownst to me? Did I also forget about the blood diamonds I shoved in the back of my freezer along with that piece of pie I bought on impulse over a year ago? I know that pie is still sitting there, I remember the pie... but who knows what else I've accumulated and forgotten about. Do I have an adopted AIDS baby shoved in the storage box I keep my leggings in? What about an urn full of Abe Lincolns pubic hair or Frank Sinatra's last breath trapped in a mayonnaise jar just haphazardly crammed under the bathroom sink next to the toilet brush?
Selfish, selfish, selfish.
If you live in LA and need a vegetable peeler, send me an email. I have at least two I'm going to give away. I figure I need to keep one because I'm sure my mom sent me one of them. I know if she came out here and needed to use it, I'd have to explain that I gave it away over the internet because I realized that I'm a wasteful whore. That's too much work just to eat some yams or whatever.
Seriously, if you want one of the peelers, email me. I'll see what I can do about getting it to you.
I've noticed an emerging trend in men's t-shirts lately, and that is that most of them seem to have been sprayed with some sort of douche sauce.
I've taken the liberty of finding some particularly offensive shirts and breaking down what the fuck their problem is. See if you agree...
Douche Level: 6.5
Why? "Alternatively designed" logo-tees are still logo-tees, except they are trying too hard. Also? Congratulations on totally giving up.
Who would wear it: A 19 year old dude who wants to give up his old football team t-shirts in exchange for a new, mature look that will surely impress his frat brothers when he returns from Christmas break!
Why? It's a faux artsy take on a t-shirt standard that's dull and embarrassingly not punk in any way.
Who would wear it: Hipster poseurs who maintain their cool by listening to mainstream "indie" music, have a goatee and love to whine about not having a girlfriend when they chronically go after girls who are way out of their league. Also, he's probably short and has a chain wallet or a studded necklace and is into some sort of fantasy or magic.
Why? It has fake dirt on it, it probably costs over 40 dollars retail and it has a brand-name written on it baseball style.
Who would wear it: Someone who claims to be sporty and down to earth but majored in finance at a second-tier college and uses hair gel he bought at a salon frequented by women. This shirt would be his ideal beach look paired with board shorts and Abercrombie flip flops.
Why? Would be higher, but the person wearing this shirt is generally discreditable and therefore harmless. Douche points for ringer-style shirt and unhip reference to a fairly awesome movie.
Who would wear it: The adult version of that kid in your third-grade class who called out all the time, was generally obnoxious and had allergies. They wouldn't be half as bad if their parents weren't constantly reinforcing the idea that they were hilarious and special.
Why? Fantastical creature graphics, misuse of the word "couture" and placement of graphics.
Who would wear it: Big-city-in-a-small state club dude. His girlfriend bought this for him when she went to Los Angeles on her summer vacation the previous year. He has no idea who designed it but it looks expensive, like it's from Armani Exchange or something. He's lifted specifically to ensure that his pecks look dope in this shirt. With a pair of Sevens for men and a silver chain, this is the perfect look for a casual night out.
Why? Weathered looking layered images in multiple shades of blue. Not even being a European tourist is an excuse to wear something that looks like this.
Who would wear it: A man desperately trying to look metro but deeply unaware. The kind of guy that thinks wearing a shirt this totally gay is redeemable because the images appear to be numbers and car parts, which are totally straight dude things, ya know? 'Cause he loves pussy. Whatever.
I would like to start this by saying that I grew up loving Barbara Walters. In third grade, my class stood around in our classroom's book corner and our teacher Miss. Hooper showed us a picture of BW from the 70s and said "This is a very important woman". I still remember that quite clearly. There's no denying she's had a long and successful career and, especially during her early years, she was a trailblazer.
All of that being said, I really would like to urge her to throw in the towel. Maybe it's ageism, but I don't really think so. I think she's just too "in it" and has been for too long. She's completely unrelatable at this point. Her political correctness drives me nuts, but mainly becasue every PC sentence out of her mouth is just DRIPPING with judgment. Barbara, you're seventy-something. Maybe it's time to share an opinion, like, actually. Not with your eyes and posture, but with words. Actual words. Winking and nudging at the audience is as blatant as just saying what you mean, so just say it already.
Also, and my good friends have heard me say it before, she is no longer helping The View serve its purpose anymore. I swear to God she only goes on three times a week to clear her name or clarify something she was misquoted on. Every time she's on she has some public statement she needs to make to clear the air, most typically when she is accused of having a strong opinion on any given topic. The show is called The View, not The Agenda, Barbara. You should know that.
I realize that all of these things I'm complaining about are habits that are a result of her news background. But she doesn't deliver the news as an anchor anymore. She does her interviews and the View and an occasional primetime special, all of which are dripping with her personal touch... but why can't she just say it? I think the fact that one of Barbara Walters' (one of the most respected and cherished news personalities of all time) biggest hurdles in life appearsy to be "honesty" speaks volumes about how information is reported to us. It should be some sort of gigantic red flag to everyone.
Last night when I was eating cake and having "Smell Your Dick" sang to me by my bestie, Wagandstuff was at home drinking carafes of coffee and blowing lines. If it wasn't that, then I don't know how else to explain that he was up ALL NIGHT terrorizing me.
I got scratched in the face, chewed up and danced on top of. He ate whatever he could find in my trash can and some of my fairly expensive business cards. When I finally decided to quit trying to ignore him at 6:45 this morning, he couldn't even look me in the eye. He knew exactly how mad I was, but he's a spoiled brat and he kept turning his face away from me whenever I'd stop dressing myself long enough to scold him for ruining my sleep.
We went out for a short walk and because I live in the hood, there were chicken bones all over the street. He ran over to a pile and started digging in. I leaned over and he looked up at me with a bone in his mouth and I said "You don't even want to fuck with me right now, Wagandstuff." For the first time pretty much ever, that dog understood exactly what I was saying to him and he dropped the bone, did his business and let me go back inside and sleep for an entire half hour before I had to get up and work.
He's spending the day in detention. Non-negotiable.
Vox is running an banner ad at the bottom of my page. I keep refreshing and it wont change, so I'm assuming you are seeing it too. It says "GOD STILL LOVES US".
I just wanted you all to know that I didn't put it there, and I couldn't agree less.
