8 posts tagged “dog”

Getting in to the Christmas spirit or whatever. 

1) Don't leave your husband (aka the source of your wealth) and hook up with your kid's 19 year old friend 

and 

2) Don't let your chihuahua get hit by a car in your own driveway.

This morning around 6:30, my step dad was taking off for work (late, I think-- he usually leaves around 5:30 or something because he's hardcore about work), and my mom and I were getting the dogs ready to go for a quick morning walk. 

Up until yesterday, Wags has never been off-leash because we live in a city and he's a maniac. He would run away from me and into traffic and not even know what he's doing. Since this part of the universe is covered in snowflakes, Wags can't go too far without freezing his junk off and I knew he'd stay close to me, so I let him out the door of the house and into the driveway without a thought. 

Where does he run? To the bushes to pee? Certianly not! We have Persian rugs! Why would he urinate on a common bush when their are heirlooms to destroy? He didn't run to the track that he was running around in the backyard either. Nope. Not even into the middle of the black ice covered street.... Wags ran to find warmth behind the back left wheel of my step dad's running Jeep. Right as he was about to pull out of the driveway.

So, like, I go in to Mom Mode when my son is being threatened. I have taken after him barefoot out many a front door and down driveways into the street. That's happened. This was worse in some ways because 1) He was in extremely close to a running vehicle's back wheel 2) It's fucking cold and my step dad had his heat running, the windows up and was probably a little tired. I run out of the house after Wags, waving my hands in the air like I was landing some sort of aircraft screaming at my step dad "DON'T MOVE!". At this point my step dad waves at me and I'm all "Fuck, he thinks I'm saying hello or something" so to make sure he knew what was up, I pretty much lay down on the ground behind his car, reaching for my dog who wont come to me because he's found "the warm spot" or something. Like, basically Wagandstuff is being a clueless prick. He starts snarling at me and then a moment later, my mother, as we are both frantically trying to keep his young life from ending. 

Finally as a last resort, I just start running around the driveway trying to make Wags think I'm leaving him, because that's the only thing that will motivate that little Mama's Boy bitch to move. I take off in to the house, nearly breaking the screen door and he eventually takes the bait and runs after me in to the kitchen.

It was then that I yelled at him profusely using a lot of adult human words that he doesn't understand until I felt he had suffered enough to earn himself a treat. 

You guys, that little shithead that runs my life almost died this morning in my very own driveway. Just like Linda Hogan's chihuahua did when her bodyguard backed over him. That was pretty fucked up.

Happy being alive still, Wagandstuff. 

Wagandstuff's #1 fan and internet Godmother, Lorraine had this pillow made for my son with the help of her cousin, who is apparently an extremely talented little sewer.

Everyone knows about his mom's obsession with the Walk of Fame, and now Wags has his own very soft star.

Thanks, Lorraine!

My dog is usually such an unbelievable asshole that occasionally he embarrasses me in public, much like an unruly toddler. I've had to leave brunch early because he was crying loudly attempting to bite me and/or hit me with his paws. So for reals, he's in whatever the puppy equivalent of the terrible twos are, which I'm sure doesn't exist and I've just raised a spoiled, bratty and occasionally mean puppy.

Fact is, once in awhile when he wants to be nice, it's so heartwarming that I really don't care if he treats me like shit. He begs and pushes my buttons because I've done nothing but show him that it can be done and I won't really care. It's the times that he doesn't do those things and turns in to a little Wags McMuffin that I'm all like "Fuck it, you can bite me and find a way for your seven-pound body to hog the bed if you want. I'm in it to win it with you, Wagsiecakes."

Hahaha....

Gross.

That's a dog.

Pinky swear.

Normally, pictures of cute dogs, unless their name is Wagandstuff, are as interesting to me as, say... NASCAR... but MAN! Would you look at that thing?