i hope this is no indication of how i will treat my human children

My dog is usually such an unbelievable asshole that occasionally he embarrasses me in public, much like an unruly toddler. I've had to leave brunch early because he was crying loudly attempting to bite me and/or hit me with his paws. So for reals, he's in whatever the puppy equivalent of the terrible twos are, which I'm sure doesn't exist and I've just raised a spoiled, bratty and occasionally mean puppy.

Fact is, once in awhile when he wants to be nice, it's so heartwarming that I really don't care if he treats me like shit. He begs and pushes my buttons because I've done nothing but show him that it can be done and I won't really care. It's the times that he doesn't do those things and turns in to a little Wags McMuffin that I'm all like "Fuck it, you can bite me and find a way for your seven-pound body to hog the bed if you want. I'm in it to win it with you, Wagsiecakes."